It Is That Deep
Why and How to be stop being emotionally dismissive
There’s a somewhat new phrase I’ve heard popping up more and more and I hate it: “It’s not that deep.”
Let me paint you a picture.
A group of friends are hanging out at lunch, swapping jokes and playful jabs. One person, Oswald, makes an offhand comment about how Dorothy is always so dramatic about everything. The others chuckle, and the conversation moves on without a second thought.
But Dorothy doesn’t.
What no one knows is that Dorothy has been struggling silently. She’s dealing with a sick parent at home, barely sleeping at night, and constantly feeling like she’s on the verge of breaking down. Lately, she’s been holding it together by a thread, trying not to let her emotions spill over at work. And now, hearing that she’s “always dramatic,” she wonders if everyone secretly thinks she’s too much—if maybe she is too much.
That night, she replays the moment in her head, feeling embarrassed for ever expressing anything at all. She starts second-guessing herself in conversations, laughing less, speaking less, shrinking herself down. It was just a joke to Oswald. It wasn’t deep to him. But it was deep to her.
And if she were to say, “Hey, that actually hurt my feelings,” she’d likely be met with a shrug and the dreaded phrase: “It’s not that deep.”
But here’s what’s easy to forget—we never really know what someone is going through. We don’t see the weight they’re carrying, the battles they’re fighting in their personal lives, or the hidden wounds they’re nursing. When we dismiss someone’s emotions, we assume that our perspective is the only one that matters. We send the message that their feelings are an overreaction, that their pain is invalid, that they should just get over it.
Dismissing emotions might seem harmless, even helpful. But in reality, it erodes empathy, stifles connection, and discourages self-awareness. In today’s edition of Wisdom Now: Why and How we’ll explore why people say “It’s not that deep,” why it’s harmful, and how we can replace dismissiveness with wisdom and understanding. I know that it’s pretty ironic to be writing an entire article about emotional intelligence because of this specific phrase, but stick with me. I think it’s worth it.
Why
…People Use Dismissive Language.
People don’t usually say “It’s not that deep” with bad intentions. More often than not, it comes from a place of discomfort, misunderstanding, or even misguided helpfulness.
• Discomfort with emotions – Some people struggle to engage with deep emotions, either because they were raised to suppress them or because vulnerability makes them uneasy. Instead of leaning into the moment, they shut it down.
• A misguided attempt to help – Many people believe minimizing a problem will make it feel smaller. Saying “It’s not that deep” is often an attempt to offer perspective—but perspective without empathy feels dismissive.
• A defense mechanism – If someone feels responsible for another’s pain, they may downplay it to avoid guilt or conflict.
• Power and control – In some cases, dismissal is a way to silence someone or exert control, especially in unhealthy relationships.
… It Damages Relationships
When emotional dismissal becomes a habit, it erodes trust and weakens relationships.
• It discourages vulnerability – When people expect their emotions to be minimized, they stop sharing them. This leads to emotional isolation in friendships, marriages, and workplaces.
• It teaches self-doubt – If someone repeatedly hears that their feelings aren’t valid, they may begin to question their own emotions, leading to suppressed feelings and internalized shame.
• It creates emotional distance – Over time, repeated dismissal sends the message: Your emotions are inconvenient to me. People may stop confiding in those who repeatedly shut them down, leading to relational drift.
How
… To Respond with Emotional Wisdom
If dismissive language is so harmful, what should we say instead? How can we respond in a way that fosters understanding, emotional safety, and deeper relationships? Here are some practical, actionable steps or “scripts” to replace “It’s not that deep” with wisdom and emotional intelligence.
1. Acknowledge the Emotion First
Even if you don’t personally understand why something is upsetting to someone, you can still acknowledge that it matters to them. Simple phrases like:
• “I can see this really affected you.”
• “I hear you.”
• “That must have been tough.”
create space for the person to feel heard. This as an essential step in building a healthy, meaningful relationship.
With that said, not every emotion needs to be “fixed” immediately. Sometimes, people just need to process their feelings without being told to move on. If you’re tempted to dismiss, pause and ask yourself: What harm would it do to simply let them feel this?
Instead of:
• “Why are you still upset about this?”
Try:
• “I get that you’re feeling this way. Let me know how I can support you.”
2. Get Curious Instead of Defensive
Instead of reacting with dismissal, respond with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to help the person express their emotions:
• “Can you help me understand why that hit you so hard?”
• “What about that situation felt painful for you?”
• “I didn’t see it that way at first—tell me more.”1
This shifts the conversation from shutting down emotions to exploring them.
3. Offer Perspective Without Minimizing
There’s nothing wrong with helping someone see a situation differently—but it should be done after acknowledging their feelings, not as a way to brush them aside.
• Instead of “It’s not that deep,” try “I totally get why you feel that way. Would it help to talk through some other ways of looking at it?”
• Instead of “You’re overreacting,” try “I can tell this really upset you. Do you think there’s something deeper behind it?”
This approach maintains empathy while gently guiding the person toward reflection.
4. Set Boundaries Without Dismissing
You don’t have to absorb every emotional reaction, but there’s a difference between setting a boundary and shutting someone down. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can still validate emotions while taking care of yourself:
• “I want to have this conversation, but I need a little time to process first.”
• “I care about what you’re feeling, but I don’t think I can have a productive discussion about it right now. Can we revisit it later?”
This keeps communication open while respecting both people’s emotional needs.
These small shifts in language and mindset can make a huge difference in the way we relate to others. Instead of shutting down emotions, we can learn to create space for them—allowing for deeper understanding, stronger relationships, and a better use emotional wisdom.
Reflection and Application
If you read my post last week, you’ll know that I’m big on self-awareness. One great way to put that into practice is to do reflection questions. Remember, self-awareness is key to breaking patterns of emotional dismissal.
• Have you ever had a moment where someone’s offhand remark stuck with you longer than they ever intended?
• Can you think of a time when you felt dismissed after opening up about something that mattered to you? How did it affect you?
• How might those experiences shape the way you respond to others now?
• When someone shares that something hurt them, is your first instinct to validate or minimize?
• Have you ever told someone “It’s not that deep” or something similar? Looking back, do you think they might have needed a different response?
• Do you tend to downplay your own emotions in the same way? If so, where do you think that comes from?
• The next time someone expresses hurt, how can you slow down and respond with empathy?
• What phrases or habits can you practice to encourage open and honest conversations?
• How can you create an environment—at home, at work, or with friends—where people feel safe expressing their emotions?
Dismissing emotions is easy. It lets us move on quickly and avoids discomfort. But real connection—the kind that builds trust, deepens relationships, and demonstrates wisdom—requires us to slow down, listen, and respond with care.
Ok, I’m done. Thank you so much for eating! Let me know your thoughts in the comments here on Substack.
I love the phrase “tell me more” or tell me more about_____” great tool for conversating. I use it all the time.