Word Choice and Choice Words
A continued dialogue about the moral weight of cuss words
Today’s article is a follow up to last week’s. For a while I’ve been wanting to find a way to revisit old articles with whatever new insights I’ve gathered on the topic, and today is a good day to start. Since I published my piece, “Christians Who Curse,” on Wednesday discussion has continued in my household and between me and some other folks who read that article. Today on Wisdom Now: Why and How I’d like to share a thoughtful response (with personal details removed) I received and continue the process of finding clarity on this topic.
First, I want to express my gratitude for this email response. Personal experiences like the ones shared here are completely valid and valuable. I appreciate the perspective offered that was gained from years of experience. So, I want to engage with this in good faith and with all respect. My hope is to merely continue the conversation and let the differing viewpoints inform and strengthen each other. I will just interject my thoughts through this email response and attempt to summarize at the end:
“Ryan,
I don't care about swearing. Not in tv or movies, not around me, etc. But I choose not to, and here is my story. :)
In the 5th grade I was starting to hear my peers use swear words. I actually vividly recall I was walking through school cafeteria and hearing this happen. But then as I walked to the far side of the room to the water dispenser, because I've hated milk all my life, so I drank water and most the other kids drank white or chocolate milk. On my way to the water, I overheard my younger brother, 3rd grade at the time, about 20 yards to my left, say a word. I was shocked. I was disappointed.
For context, my parents, if they were believers when I was young, were not outspoken about it at all. I'd probably guess they weren't believers. But for me, by age 5 or 6, I had believed the message of Jesus from our small town Baptist church pastor, and truly accepted Jesus at an early age. I realized later that this spared me from a lot of pain and struggle. There was massive alcohol and drug addiction and abuse on both my Mom's and my Dad's sides of the family. It seems likely that if God were not truly directing my steps and choices from an early age, that I'd have slipped into a series of bad choices that affected so many including my younger brother in ways that made life miserable, jobs hard to hold, early death in several cases, and just a sad existence truly.
I vowed on that day in the cafeteria, to myself, that I did not want to fall into that easy path of using swear words. It is the easy path. It is HARD, especially when younger, to make the choice and stick to it. So it was not for any faith or religious reason. It was me as a child being disappointed in peers for using language that even as a young child, I decided was vulgar and unwholesome.
I’m totally in support of doing hard things and following through on difficult personal convictions. But hard does not mean more moral. They often go hand in hand, but to equate them would be a logical fallacy. (I don’t think this is exactly what you’re saying, I just thought I would try make things extra clear). I think going through difficulty and making hard choices is valuable and indeed moral if you honor God in your suffering, but that’s not the whole story. There are plenty of ways to make one’s life harder, but I think suffering just for the sake of suffering is taking it too far (like monks who self-flagellate). Anyway, I think we agree on that.
As for why some words are "bad", I believe it is straight forward. As a society, we have all agreed that bad words are bad words. Ask a small child. Ask a sailor who swears like a sailor. Over time, whatever the history of the words, we all know what words are considered bad. Even people who use them.
I agree that we all know which words are bad. I do think that list evolves over time and what we agree to be bad right now will likely be different than what we agree is bad in a couple centuries. It seems that society is moving towards slurs being bad more than anything Dubious predictions aside, my contention is that even if we know which words are “bad words,” the Bible doesn’t call for us to prohibit ourselves from them. Therefore, putting power into the words themselves rather than the intention behind them is a misapplication of scripture. (I will expand more in a moment)
It always stands out to me that people who swear A LOT ALL THE TIME, still filter around grandma who they know hates it, or their pastor, etc. Why? So knowledge of the bad words is pretty universal and people can choose to turn them off. Very reliably. Again I ask, why? If words are not bad, why filter at all ever? Just respect of others?
I think there are many wise reasons to choose not to cuss, foremost among them is because it can cause a good deal of social impracticalities. I think a pastor could say a curse word from the pulpit during a frank discussion about language and not sin. I don’t think the pastor should, but only because it would cause a lot of impractical issues (like upset congregants), not because the act of uttering that specific word is itself a sin. It’s a similar situation to a pastor preaching and also having exposed tattoos. The tattoos aren’t a sin, but some people would have a harder time receiving a faithful sermon from that pastor because of them. In the same way people misapply scripture to condemn the act of getting tattoos, people misapply scripture to the act of saying certain words. So yes, choosing not to cuss is totally valid when trying to be respectful, not upset people, or not cause other issues. But in your mind you should have clarity about why you made that choice. I believe that to say it is because scripture specifically says not to is a mistake, as demonstrated in my last article. The same mistake the Pharisees made in prohibiting all sorts of things the scriptures didn’t specifically prohibit.
As for Christian witness, I can give personal testimony that this is true. I think that MANY, perhaps MOST, use this one, but don't really follow through on it. If you are not afraid to engage someone on topics of Faith, Jesus, etc, then not swearing can and does lead to meaningful conversation. Most recently, I got to baptize my friend, Jeff, because my lack of swearing and general talk track, makes people curious. People who are seeking will engage. As long as you engage back, this is a good thing. Another friend has thanked me for being an example of non-swearing. He's been a lightweight Christian most of his life and was surrounded by people at work who swore and he just adopted it like most do. Again, the easy path. Peer pressure. In the past 3 years, he has chosen to stop swearing. I used to hear "bad words" out of his mouth quite often. I have not now for 2-3 years. He'd never met someone who chose not to. He didn't really seem so realize you can make the choice not to.
I love to hear this! I’m glad to be proven wrong about this type of situation being “stuck in the hypothetical.” To me this is another valuable and valid reason not to cuss. It’s probably the most convincing, and I’d love to see more examples. But I think there are a lot of similar ways to witness to people and that at the same time it’s not scripturally commanded to do them. (Wearing religious merch, playing Christian music at your place of work, etc) These are all great options, but to characterize them as biblical commands is a mistake similar to the legalism of not eating pork.
I have experienced people apologizing to me when they swear. Not because I ever said "hey please don't" but just because they observed something different about me. I don't think it is awkward in a negative way. I usually make light of it. Depending on the situation, I've also said, "i'm not your judge, God is" but only selectively when I feel this could lead to more conversation and not sounds like a Bible thumper.
Fair enough. I agree the potential for an awkward situation is not reason enough to forego one’s personal convictions, especially if you have the social wherewithal to keep it from being awkward as you do. I think the difference is again in knowing why you hold that conviction. If someone is doing it because they believe it is a scriptural command, I think they would be misinformed and could therefore save themselves the worry. If they’re doing it because of a commitment based in childhood experiences or as a way of ministry, then more power to them!
"Let’s not get lost in the weeds on this one. We should aim to be set apart by the uncommon strength of love in our hearts, not the strictness of our vocabulary." -- Ryan P
On the above, I would say that strictness of vocabulary would be 1 of many things that should set us apart.
Maybe we agree to disagree, but I would phrase it as “one of many things that can set us apart.”
In the end, I'm living proof that I do not need to use their common langue to bond and bond deeply with others.
At one of my jobs I was surrounded by crude language, even approached by the baddest bad girls, Thea, once when working as RSO. I didn't talk to her much, but she just knew and was curious about me. She encouraged me to utter a bad word. She even said "imagine in your mind it starts with PH instead of F". For whatever reason, I didn't get into anything deeper with her. I just said it was a commitment I made myself as a kid and I'm hanging onto it. But I developed several deep friendships there and made a difference in multiple lives, gaining the trust and respect of most, nudging a few toward God and this is where I met Jeff that I baptized.
I praise God that you were able to make a difference how you did. It’s inspiring!
I did search to find commentary that aligns to what I came to believe as I got older and held onto my childhood commitment. I do agree that many misquote scripture to say "don't cuss" but I think there is biblical teaching to avoid it.
https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-cursing/
I think this whole thing is falsely conflating using curse words with speech that is evil, deceitful, vulgar, obscene, etc. For the reasons laid out in my original article, I believe the more faithful interpretation of these verses is the condemnation of the heart behind the words. For example, I think it is totally possible to have the heart posture of “building someone up” and to still use bad words. Celebrating with someone and saying “fuck yeah, dude, you crushed it! Nice job!” Or “hey wife, your ass is lookin great in those jeans.”
In the end, swearing doesn't damage our relationship with Jesus. It's a choice we make. Whether hard core swearing, or what I call "sissy swearing". It's a standard. A personal choice.
Exactly!
My strong belief is that YES, Jesus spent time with thieves and prostitutes, but I'm certain He did not drop F bombs to bond with them. He was Jesus, spent time with everyone, but held a high standard in how He conducted himself. Always. Consistently. We can too. Successfully. Not making anyone feel awkward. Changing lives. Opening doors.”
I would point out again that words being labeled as “bad” in Jesus’s time is anachronistic. He didn’t drop F bombs because there was no equivalent. To speculate how He would navigate the language we use today is just that, speculation. I think to prohibit words in pursuit of Christlikeness can be valuable and worthwhile and as you say it changes lives and opens doors. I’m just making the case against equating that to a scriptural command, and therefore making the utterance of a curse word a sin.
The whole reason I wrote the initial article was coming from a place of being wary of legalism and the accompanying self-righteousness. I think most arguments made in favor of restricting one’s speech are the same arguments the Pharisees made for the restrictions the wanted in place: being set apart, doing the harder thing for the sake of God’s honor, pleasing God through self restraint, etc., but we see how Jesus spoke to the Pharisees. I think it’s only wise to carefully examine the equivalent issues of our time and to make sure the same aspersions couldn’t be cast on us. Maybe that means I’m arguing out of a spirit of fear of legalism, but I would say I’m just trying to be faithful.
I really appreciated the feedback. Engaging in discussion and working through disagreements is an art lost on many people these days. If again I seem to have landed on incorrect conclusions, I’d love to talk more about them so we can get to the truth of it. Thank you for reading!
SDG
-Ryan Parmenter