Ryan here, welcome to Wisdom Now: Why and How (with Ryan, Wow!), my guest column on The Modern Quest! Dylan has generously invited me to guest write once in a while on this newsletter, and I am honored and excited for this opportunity.
Now. Let’s talk about anger.
You might be thinking, “Can’t I just be angry? it’s not like I’m hurting anyone.” or “I don’t even think it’s possible for me to control my anger. What am I supposed to do?”
My hope is that through this short study, it can be seen why it is important to have self control over our negative emotions, how God feels about it, and how we can pursue Christlike interactions with anger. When prompted please take the simple actions of praying and making separate notes in your phone or on a post-it note or whatever.
I hope that my heart behind this is evident. I’m not here to preach or criticize or correct or anything like that. I want to come alongside you as someone who deals with anger issues too. All of what I’ve written here also acts as what I want to remind myself of. We’re in this together.
Defining Anger
Picture a forest fire compared to a cozy fireplace. A wild stallion in a hospital compared to a well trained competitive horse. Anger holds great power for good and evil. We just need to be able to control it.
Anger in itself is not bad. God gave us emotions as a loving gift so that we could bear His image. Anger is just a “charged,” morally neutral, emotional response of protective preservation. It can be a healthy emotion that motivates us to correct attitudes, behaviors, or injustices that we perceive to be wrong. But, as it can also be an unhealthy and destructive emotional response to protect us from real or perceived hurt, frustration, or personal attack.
Anger is a secondary emotion. It masks over hurt, fear, disappointment, insecurity, and dread. It is easier to be angry than to face the deeper, more sensitive issues of anger. When we use anger as a mask, we cover over stuff inside that God wants to heal, forgive, and restore.
With all this in mind, let’s consider the costs of unregulated anger.
It causes us to behave in ways that do not align with our values, morals and beliefs.
It has the ability to destroy a life in seconds.
It is a surrender of something valuable, your self control.
It blinds you to empathy and forgiveness and gets in the way of reconciliation.
It’s straight up not a good time.
Let’s just look at what the wisdom of the Bible has to say about anger:
The Bible makes it pretty clear that we should avoid anger, because it too often leads to things that do not honor God. Again, the emotion itself is not the problem. How we respond to it and what we do because of it is where sin can enter the picture.
You might be thinking, “well what about righteous anger?”
The Bible shows us that Jesus righteously displayed anger at things that were offensive to God’s honor. Couple things:
We are not Jesus. We cannot be perfectly righteous. I would even say that it’s a lot harder than normal to be righteous when our anger is inflamed.
Most of the time (I’m thinking like 95% or more) our anger is not about things that are an offense against God’s honor, and so it’s not possible that it is righteous anger. Road rage, frustration over literal spilled milk, these things are not righteous anger, they in fact do not honor God
Self-Control
Before we look at strategies to help deal with anger, let’s quickly look at what the Bible has to offer regarding self Control:
From these verses we can see that God knows we will experience anger. It is a natural part of life. But Godliness lies in how we control it. Self-control is a hallmark of maturity and is a gift given by the Holy Spirit to those who ask for it and yield to him. It comes hand in hand with wisdom and strength. Gods plan and desire for us is to be set apart by our ability to be patient and kind in situations where others would display weakness by letting anger get the best of them. Don’t let anger win.
We get used to NIV and ESV really easily and sometimes an unfamiliar translation can help us to see a passage with a “fresh set of eyes”. Check out this version of a familiar text:
Here, where we expect to read self-control, it’s worded as strength of spirit. Being able to control one’s anger, as well as any other negative emotion is a strength. It also makes sense that it takes strength to do this. Well, where does this strength come from? God.
Strategies to accomplish self-control
You might be thinking, “well great, God is your answer? if only it were that easy”
It’s not easy, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. Just like how courage can only be displayed when you are in fear, strength of spirit can only be displayed when you are weak. It takes no strength to do what is easy.
Let’s explore some ways to practice self control:
Maintain Hope
To start, it is important to maintain hope that change is possible. It’s easy to feel like “well I’m just someone who gets angry” that is a weak person’s excuse, and it’s not even true. A verse that has offered me endless hope on this difficult journey is Romans 12:2
This shows us that the Holy Spirit is in the business of renewing our minds. We’re not just stuck with a mind that likes to get angry all the time, or one that is trapped in hopelessness or addiction. Even if this journey takes years, the difficulty is worth it. What a gift it would be to our children to have parents who know how to handle their anger, rather than exploding at them or guilt tripping them. God has the power to transform and renew and this is good news, amen?
Notice it
The best strategy I’ve used to practice self control is to just notice the moment of anger. This involves admitting and accepting it. If this “notice it” moment is all you can do at first, that’s a good and worthy first step. When you are angry, hopeless, overwhelmed, experiencing any other negative emotion- just notice it. Even this first step might seem hard to put into practice, but it will really help. Pray for God to help you with this. (Right now)
For real. Take a moment to pray, just a quick thought or two. Remember we’re working on self control, which is a fruit of the Spirit. This means it will become easier the more you align yourself with God and the Spirit by spending intentional time with Him and in His word.
(If you still haven’t put your phone down to pray, here’s your last reminder. Believe in the power of a Spirit led prayer)
A thought that helps me to “notice it” is the idea that we are not our anger. We are not our defeat. Our truest self, our essence, is the noticing presence that can see what we’re going through but is not defined by it. It is our eternal aspect that is separate from our ego and day to day struggles. Your you-est you. Think of your emotions as passengers in your car, but realize you’re the one driving. You can acknowledge these emotions, say hi to your anger and welcome it as a natural response that can teach you something about yourself. But know that if you just try to push anger out of your car, it will come back larger and with unintended consequences.
Another thing to notice and keep track of is your triggers. The simple thought that “hey I’m being triggered by this mess, this high pitched baby cry, this lack of control, etc” goes a long way in achieving control of that emotion. More than you might think. Take a moment now and actually write down some triggers you know of and add to that list as you “notice” more going forward. This could include reading the news, social media, or even just a person who is kind of annoying, and who, on your worst day, you might snap at. Triggers can also often be physical symptoms, or just really small/seemingly silly things, but having them written or typed down will help you to notice them and that will help you to control the response.
(Last reminder to actually type down this list in your notes app right now)
Shut it down
Once you feel like you have been regularly successful in the “Notice it” part of the plan, it’s time to start practicing the “shut it down” half of my trademarked phrase: “Notice it! Shut it down!” (Not actually trademarked)
Once you have your “notice it” moment, Realize that it is now time to IMMEDIATELY do something about it. Here are 3 steps that I’ve found to be essential for lasting progress:
1- A good first step is deep breathing. It may sound silly but breath is actually a very spiritual and primal part of our being. Controlling it leads to further control of more complicated things. It would probably be interesting and fruitful to do a word study on Breath in the scriptures.
Anyway, many have found that pairing deep breathing with counting to ten or some other number is very effective in this pursuit of self-control.
2- Next, go through a thought exercise to figure out what the 1st emotion was and what the real cause of anger is. Remember, anger is a secondary emotion. Consider what story that you’re telling your self. Maybe the wording could be “what is the lie you are you are telling yourself” or even “what’s the false premise/assumption that has led me to get this emotionally out of whack.”
Sometimes anger is a response to feeling threatened, so ask yourself, "Why am I feeling threatened? Is the threat meaningful?” Some other times you should ask, “What need or expectation is not being met right now?” Use “I feel….” phrases that attack the issue not the person if there is another person involved.
These are important yet difficult questions to answer, but again it’s worth it and strength comes from doing hard things. The more instances you can have this moment of reflection in the midst of anger, the more progress you’ll make in reacting to anger in a Godly way and eventually avoiding anger as a response altogether.
3- Take a moment and just touch base with God about the situation. Thank Him for helping you to notice the anger response. Ask Him for renewal and strength to overcome anger. Praise Him for being a personal and loving God who desires to transform and renew us.
Key idea: Our life changing response to anger begins when we replace “reaction” with “reflection”
What Now? (Inspired by teachings from Chip Ingram)
After the initial work of taking control over the negative emotion is done, you still might feel unresolved. I mean there probably was a reason you got mad in the first place. The question now is how do we address the situation or person that angered us in a Godly way.
As with many things, there are two extremes for possible responses but the best way is somewhere in between. Check out this continuum going from directness to indirectness.
Some situations call for healthy directness and some call for a healthy indirect approach. Ask God for discernment in deciding which to do and IMPORTANTLY when to do it. Often giving an issue a few days to simmer down can give you space to clarify your thoughts and regulate your feelings through journaling or other means.
3 Steps for healing a wounded relationship:
Step #1 - Cleanse the wound
HOW? Forgive and repent of unresolved anger!
The focus is inward. Try to see yourself in the offender.
Step #2 - Treat the wound
HOW? Extend grace and seek forgiveness!
The focus is outward.
Say things like “this is how my anger hurt you” “I know it was unreasonable, but this was how I felt my needs weren’t being met”
Forgive by not bringing it up anymore, by letting go of the offense. Giving this area to God is difficult but worth it. It definitely warrants further Bible study.
Goal is reconciliation
:
Key phrase: As far as it depends on you!
Step #3 - Bandage the wound
HOW?
Put the past behind you! Learn to pray for that person. Bless those who persecute you.
Gospel
God’s beautiful plan for salvation allows us to be born again. We hear that phrase a lot, but it’s helpful to take a moment to see how that applies to this discussion. When we get sinfully angry, that is the old-self. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can reject that and embrace a more sanctified identity. This is freaking amazing! No one likes how it feels to be angry or to be surprised by rage induced reaction. Thanks to Jesus, we have hope that we can overcome those things. Being an emotional human is really tough. Jesus has been there, done that. I for one am super grateful that I don’t have to live like the rest of the world lives. I don’t have to struggle with these destructive emotions, because I know that through the working of the Holy Spirit over time I will have self-control. What a blessing!
Ok. I’m done.