This or That? Anger has a cause.

And one simple trick to help you with your temper | Thought Entry Friday

Have you ever lost your temper? 

You’re probably thinking, “Duh, Dylan. Everyone loses their temper, it’s natural.” 

But you’d be surprised to learn that, well, some people never lose their temper and others think it’s perfectly normal for someone to always keep themselves in check. No breakdowns, nothing. Always smiling, always happy, always polite. No actions based on emotions whatsoever. 

That may sound dreamy, but in this world it’s simply not going to happen. Eventually, each of us are going to lose it. I lose it all the time. Just ask The Krystal Wife. I’m reading a book while relaxing in my recliner after a hard morning of watching videos on YouTube while she’s been busy with the dishes and has the audacity to interrupt my reading time by asking if I will fold my laundry later, and I let her have it. Please pardon the sarcasm in the previous sentence. I know that I am being ridiculous. But for some reason I lose my temper. 

And I know it isn’t just me. In my line of work I have many teenage boys who randomly lose their temper all the time. As with anyone, it is difficult to speak with them while they’re angry. But if you give some time to let their outburst simmer a little bit, then you can check back in with them and have a rational conversation with them. If you’re really paying attention,  then you quickly learn something: It wasn’t about this. 

“This” is the situation that arose when the person lost their temper. Someone else interrupted them, maybe they made a bad throw in a football game, they got a bad grade on a test, the list goes on. Something small and relatively light happens and BOOM! Fists are drawn and they’re sure ready to fight. Or so it seems. 

Their voice starts getting loud, maybe they take out some aggression on a nearby object like wall, and then they go for a quick walk and then they’re ready to talk. You ask, “What’s going on?” And often you learn something you didn’t know before. The teenage boy, who just cussed at you because you told him he needed to sweep the floor better, tells you that he received a phone call from his parents and learned that his dog had passed. Or he got back a test that he failed. The list goes on again. It wasn’t about this. It’s really about that.  

Now, it doesn’t matter, necessarily, what caused the anger. But there is something helpful about the ability to identify its cause and emotions. Here’s what anger outbursts look like: 1) Triggering Event, 2) Emotions, 3) Outburst. 

1. The trigger. It can be anything, really. Anything that happens in our normal course of life that effects us emotionally.

2. Our emotions then start to rise. We are so angry, upset, frustrated, etc. We don’t know how to deal with it, we just know we’re mad. And if we aren’t proactive, we go into an outburst.

3. An outburst takes place in different forms. Yelling, punching, etc. It’s a way to relieve the pressure and relieve it quickly. Get it out because it feels good.

But then we have to deal with the consequences and we instantly regret everything we did while we were upset. Sometimes we double down. But most of the time we regret. It’s a good thing to regret what we have done, but we ought not to dwell too long on the mistakes of our past. For that doesn’t do good for anyone.

So, what do we do about anger? Well, you can’t stop anger from coming about because it’s an emotion and we can’t always control our emotions. We can, however, take steps to prevent our emotions from controlling us.

How? By keeping everything in perspective. This slight annoying thing or that slightly annoying that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. But in the last couple weeks I have started using one simple trick and it’s worked pretty well:

“I will be patient and kind, no matter how tired I am.”

I say this to myself any time I transition through a door: into the car, out of the car, going into my house, leaving my house, the office, wherever or whatever I am doing. I say it, out loud, to myself. And it works. Give it a try!